No one ever tells you growing up how much the life you want is going to cost you. Coming from an abused past, I kind of thought I had paid my price as a child. I didn't realize how much more it would cost me later in life.
We are born with a pure heart and clear vision of love, that is why most of the time babies are cooing and smiling. Yes, the scream and cry to let us know they are hungry or need something, but for the most part, the rest of the time they are happy. They don't know the dark side of the world or of human kind.
With each blow from my mother, with each hateful thing she told me, I paid the price to have my sense of self destroyed. It never occurred to me that I would have to pay a price to get it back; I was a child, I couldn't have know that.
To get my sense of self back, to get to a place where I love myself, I had to lay down all of the feelings of self hatred. I had to destroy the trauma bond, and try to figure out how to move forward in my life, not really even knowing what I wanted from this new life I am building.
Do you know how hard it is to give up a belief system that was literally beat into you. You kind of have to explode your whole world to get back to your pure self. The one you came into this world with.
It seems weird to think of giving up self hatred is a hardship, but it really is when it's all you believe about yourself. It has taken me three and a half years of hard work to get there, but I made it. I like to think Spirit has rewarded me for all of my efforts, for this week I found out my office was sold to another entity and I will no longer be working for a woman who belittles me all day long - just like Mom.
My new manager is a lot like me. She is a short little ball of energy like me, and is dedicated to her mission as I am. She has a kind heart and soul. I will be working for an organization who supports and helps the underserved in our community.
Laying down the hate bought to me to this wonderfully healed state of mind and heart, and I will now be able to shine that love on all of those around me. I paid a high price for this life I am living now, but I wouldn't have changed a thing.
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